Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Like Jeff Goldbloom, only more annoying.

As I already knew from a handful of trips to Taiwan, the bugs out East are bad. Bad to their bone-like exoskeletons. On one of my first days in the office, a large praying mantis appeared from behind my computer. I left my desk, hoping that patience would send her non-secular, spousicidal claws home. Instead, her dead carcass rested atop my monitor stand the following day, withered yet still terrifying. The winter months seemed to keep the bugs at bay, but here we are now. It's June. Sure, there are region-specific critters such as mukade (I'll leave the Google imaging up to you), but the real scare for me comes from fellers I thought I knew. Like a common house fly.

The other night, I opened my backporch screen for five seconds to adjust some hanging laundry. In, umm, flew a fly. As I would come to realize over the course of the next hour, this was no ordinary fly. I grabbed the thick JET Program manual from my desk. The problem was that I could no longer see the fly. But I could definitely hear it. Loud. The Doppler shift was in full effect as it came toward me and away from me. Toward me and away from me. It was going in a circle. After a few more pathetic swipes in the air, I thought about that saying: "Like a moth to a flame." Japanese lightbulbs are shaped like rings. I opened my screen door and turned off the light. Phew. The buzzing was gone. I closed my screen door and flicked on my light. The fly was back, buzzing and flying in that crazy circle. I repeated the whole process. Door open, light off = fly gone. Door closed, light on = crazy circle. And again. And again. And then I saw it. Him. He that is larger than acceptable must be personified. More swipes in the air. I switched to the lighter, more flexible kerosene heater manual. Rolled it up.

I'm not gonna lie. Things got messy. I cursed. I threw the manual. This was the largest, fastest, smartest fly I had ever encountered. I tried to let him go. I sat in the dark. Defeated.

I like to think that I'm not an animal. I like the taste of meat, but I run from a fight. I can protect myself, but I'm not peeing to mark territory. So when I say I felt bloodlust after landing the deathblow, don't be alarmed. I am a reasonable man. He should have known when to fly away.

1 comment:

Lauren said...

ICB I just read a story about someone chasing a fly...and it was interesting.
Also, have I mentioned how much I hate the word "non-secular" yet today? Which does it mean?!