All that glitters is golden week.

I went to Yokohama for Golden Week. Golden Week is three consecutive national holidays. I did not know three days equaled a week.

Yokohama, from what I've seen, is the most international city in Japan. When I say international, I mean that I can have fried chicken one night and then fajitas the next. Yokohama is very international, like the food court at the mall.

Near Yokohama is Kamakura, home to Japan's largest outdoor Buddha. We, along with what seemed like all of India and Japan, took the same train to get there. This hurt my personal space and lungs. The Buddha was large, but not as large as I expected. Seth took photos of people taking photos of it. We saw white people and wondered if they were or were not JETs.

We took the Sealine (train over water) to a man-made island. There was a dog petting zoo. On the second floor, there was a cat petting zoo. The aquarium had 100,000 types of fish, but we didn't see any types of fish. We didn't go into the aquarium.

We stayed at the Hostel Village. Hostel is a funny word to me because it sounds like hostile. Different things can be hostile, like two homeless men fighting over a computer motherboard with wires hanging out from it. Hostile is the suspicious abundance of one-armed men who look as if they would like to take your arm so that they have two and you have one. Hostile is a man pointing, gibbering, then yelling "Sayonara" at you.

Other funny things happened. Here they are:

1. Lauren accidentally put 100 USD on her Denny's card. She may or may not have sold this card to a Denny's waiter to fix the problem.
2. Seth went to Yokohama just to see "Iron Man." It's not out anywhere in Japan.
3. We ate at TGI Friday's. Twice.
4. We spent over 100 USD at TGI Friday's. Once.
5. We encountered tax and tip for the first time in Japan.
6. Seth had water in his gimlet.
7. Seth's staircase was blocked by a mattress.
8. We saw "New York Style" bagels on the train. We asked the woman where they came from. The woman NEXT to her (who she didn't know) walked us all the way to the bagel shop.
9. A U.S. Navy man spent a full ten minutes giving us directions. We didn't find what we were looking for. He should have walked us there.

If you hate the taste of wine...

Kevin: "Before I came to Japan, I was a journalist." *Holds up Magnet with Conor Oberst on the cover* "Does anyone know what 'journalist' means?"
Student: "You were a model?"

A letter to Bill Simmons

Hi Bill,

Greetings from Japan! When you miss a game live, what are the greatest lengths you've ever gone to in order to avoid finding out the score? Here is how I watched the NCAA final "live" from Japan (13 hours ahead of EST).

1. All day at work, I read no news sites.
2. At lunch, I ate hunched down at my desk so that I would not accidentally catch a highlight on the staffroom TV.
3. I judged all e-mails by their sender, opening them only if there was no chance the person would reveal the winner.
4. I pre-emptively sent out e-mails to friends warning them not to tell me the score.

When I got home from work, I remembered the terrible layout of NCAA.com (from watching the rest of the tournament). I'd have to click on a few different links to get to the actual game. To top it off, the final score would be displayed under the PLAY button. So I took off my glasses. I typed NCAA.com into my browser, removed my glasses, and hit enter. Remembering the layout of the site, I half-squinted and clicked a few times until the game popped up. I then resized the window so that only the video would be showing, since the site insists on displaying the score at the bottom of the page. I am not positive, but this may be the first time in history that being blind has helped a sports fan.

Is "business" two syllables or three?

Hot-sensei, gym clothes
Today, a business suit
Now, Hot Hot-sensei

At least I didn't *think* I was turning Japanese.

As the new school year begins, my status as a fake Nihonjin has paved the way for some wonderful moments.

1. As I watched a soccer game after school, the new 1st years on the bench spoke to me in Japanese. "He's not Japanese," said a 2nd year student (in Japanese). "REALLY?! WHAA?" (in Japanese). Then they tried to sub me into the game.

2. Before the opening ceremony started, a 1st year student needed, from what I now gather, to know where to put his shoes. On his very first day of high school, he nervously looked around for a lifeline. Squeaky and half out of breath, he asked the Japanese teacher wearing a suit what to do with his shoes. This Japanese teacher was me, who obviously (in his mind) thought it would be hilarious to give the new kid a hard time and say, "Sorry, I understand just a little Japanese." He stood there crestfallen and blank-faced while I pointed to another teacher for help. I then introduced myself and extended my arm for a handshake. He was possibly still in disbelief or thinking I pranked him, for his handshake was more akin to a tender squeeze of my fingers. Cheer up, kid. Not everyone in high school is a jerk like me.

Nara, Japan

Photo Credit: Lauren Cox

They are all me.

I walked into class the other day. This was on the blackboard. There were a few other, umm, depictions that involved gender reassignment and a lack of clothing, but they were not photographed. The kids laughed for five minutes.